Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Should I ask for help?

After reading Roni's post today about being exposed, I wanted to go back and watch the video about vulnerability again because it seems as though Roni is living proof of exactly what was being talked about.  And I wanted to write down some key points that really stood out to me.
The biggest one, of course, is: 
Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle of worthiness but it’s also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, love.
You cannot selectively numb emotion.  Unless we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we won't be able to feel the full spectrum of emotions.  That in itself makes me want to try.

But what does it mean to me to be vulnerable? 

Here's a silly thing that's been on my mind.  I don't really know how to clean.  I mean, I know how to pick up and wipe down the bathroom counter but I don't know how to mop a floor and wash dishes or how to stay on top of it all.  I don't know how to be organized and to motivate others in my family to be organized.  I have some ideas but I don't know how to put them into practice.

So I've been thinking about asking my sisters to give me their tips.  I kind of started this already with my oldest sister.  I asked her how she stays organized with her bills and with keeping her house organized.  It was kind of fun to get some tips from her and I bet she didn't even know her way of life was worthy of sharing! 

A few problems.  First, I have to ask for the help.  Second, I have to risk being laughed at.  I'm sure both of them will think it's weird.  So all of that is uncomfortable.

Ultimately I don't feel that silly for not knowing these things.  I just didn't pick them up anywhere along the way.  And the things I did pick up are apparently not the way to do it anymore.  But I am curious and willing to learn.

I guess this comes down to being willing to look stupid.  Being willing to show that I don't know it all already and that I need help or guidance.  Having the courage to be imperfect.  Being VULNERABLE! LOL

I hate it.  I usually want to avoid it at all costs and here I go, throwing myself into the middle of it.  And if they mock me, I will just say, "I know this might sound silly but I just never learned these things.  I'd love to get your help."  After that it's just mean to mock, right?

Monday, October 7, 2013

Vulnerability, the key to a well-lived life

I watched this video today (posted on the Food and Feelings Yahoo board) and it opened my eyes to how important being vulnerable is to living a full, well-rounded life. And how having connection to others is the point of this madness we call life. I particularly liked the visual of "leaning into the pain" and how important that is to becoming emotionally mature. It gives me good reason to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Part of that is this blog. I feel fear about having a blog often. I have to wait for it to pass and sometimes that doesn't happen for a long time. But then I think about all the people I could help someday, and how it helps me when I post.  There are so many dieting blogs but that only scratches the surface of eating issues. And I know that. And I know that I would have loved to have a blog written by someone like me. So I decide all the time to be brave, lean into the fear, and come here and write.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Operation "I Don't Skip Workouts"

Success for 2/3 days!  I am going to look at that as success because both of those days I was in NO mood to exercise and saying this statement got me up out of the chair.  One time it was just before I went to bed just so I could say I did it.  I am going to keep at it!

As I was thinking about this morning, success doesn't come from doing things when I am motivated and excited, it comes from sticking it out and doing things even when I feel completely unmotivated and poopy.  In fact, I just finished doing lunges in my office and it was just the thing I needed to pull me out of a funk.

Hope everyone is having a moderately successful day!

Monday, September 30, 2013

A simple word change goes a long way!

I read a blog post about the difference between using the phrase "I can't" and "I don't" and how this simple change in self-talk can help us stick to our goals.  You can read the article here.

Using the phrase "I don't" helped 8 out of 10 subjects stick to their goals versus 1 out of 10 who used the phrase "I can't".  That is remarkable!

So I found my first challenge!  Every time I feel like skipping exercise, I will use the phrase "I don't".  I'll practice here:
  • I don't skip exercise.
I can see why this phrasing can be so effective because it comes from a place of power and choice.  I love it!    I think this small habit change will surely help me resist temptation and feel more empowered in achieving my goals.  And the great thing is that it can be used with any goal!

Anybody want to try this with me?

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Some days WILL be harder than others

When the going gets tough, I often quit.  I had a tough day yesterday breastfeeding because I had an irregular schedule and could only pump twice instead of three times.  I didn't manage my time well and didn't speak up when I needed to leave and pump.  I just kept my mouth shut and worried and got anxious.
Rather than see whatever is happening as a tough blip in the road, I see it as a behemoth problem and decide that the only solution is to quit.  It's such an automatic reaction, I completely blow things out of proportion and I have a hard time seeing the bigger picture.  At least in that moment.  I actually considered quitting breastfeeding and pumping yesterday because I had one tough day.
Sometimes I have to talk myself down, sometimes another person talks me down, but it is definitely a pattern and I am wondering if I have some underlying beliefs that are driving this compulsion. 
  • Irrational Belief #1: It's too hard.
  • IB #2: I will never be able to do this.
  • IB #3: I can't handle it.
  • IB #4: I am a bad person because I can't handle this.
  • IB #5: If it's hard I might as well quit.
Ooh, IB #4 really hit home for me, really drew some deep emotion out of me.  When I can't do something or it's hard, I immediately think it's a major flaw with me.  It's not just how life is for everyone, it's specific to me.  I just suck.
Let me go ahead and reframe these now:
  • Rational Belief #1: It's hard now but it will get easier. OR Some days will be harder than others.
  • RB #2: I may never be great at this but I will get better. OR It's hard now but it will get easier.
  • RB #3: I can handle it.  It's hard/tough but I can handle it.
  • RB #4: You are a good person whether you are good at something or not. OR You are a good person even if you suck at something.  OR I am a good person and I can handle it.
  • RB #5: If it's hard you can keep trying. OR It's hard now but it will get easier. FOLLOWED BY If it doesn't get easier, you can decide to stop.
  • RB #6: It's okay to suck at things.  Everyone does sometimes.
I read somewhere that "gifted" children often get easily frustrated because things come easily to them generally so if they struggle with something, they will get defeated very quickly.  I think this is me.  Normal eating is the first thing I've really tried to work on and it is HARD.  It's the only thing I've never thought about quitting, though :)

Just a Hoper

Today Karen's blog is titled Hope is not a Plan.  It really got me thinking.  I am a hoper without a plan.  In the back of my mind I believe that normal eating will just COME to me like snow falling from the sky.  Like it will just float down and envelope me without any particular action on my part.  It's not that I'm not working, but I may not be working hard enough.

This is partially why I am getting back to this blog.  I want to become more active in my approach to normal eating.  I want to objectively look at each of my habits one by one and begin to make a plan of action for each one.  I want to change each habit one by one until it becomes second nature.

The good news is that there was a time when I just felt completely overwhelmed by the idea of trying to change anything because I didn't think I had any regular habits.  I couldn't even imagine how I'd eliminate 200 calories from my daily diet.  I just didn't think I had any kind of consistency where I could remove those 200 calories and have it make any kind of impact.  I just figured I'd eat them at some other time of day.  But slowly I have come to understand and see my habits more clearly.  This is progress!

I will use this information and start small so that I can build my success.  I will become a Hoper with a Plan!

I See a Light

My eating has been out of control which I mentioned yesterday.  I have had some vague feelings of sadness, I've been feeling blue.  I feel there are things going on beneath the surface that I just can't seem to get to, can't seem to figure out what they are.  It's very frustrating because I feel like there's this invisible wall between me and normal eating right now.

Of course, what can I do but keep plugging along.  Sometimes I dream about the idea of dieting in all of it's black and white glory and I remember that it just doesn't work.  At least not for me.

But I am feeling a little lift in the unhappy feelings, in the hopelessness, and I am going to keeps stoking that fire.  I believe it will lift and I will begin to make progress again.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Things that scare me!

So I did something that scares me this weekend. It wasn't something fun, necessarily, but it was good and healthy for me. This weekend I stood up for myself AND I shared my emotions with someone.  Although these things may come easily to some, for me they are a challenge and take conscious effort.

First I had an argument with my husband and rather than let it go I asked him if we could talk about it, which we did. Both the argument and the make-up conversation were good things for me to work through. Also my toddler was there to witness it all so I talked to him about what was happening to help him understand that sometimes we argue but that's ok. And he was able to see our resolution.

In addition my adopted grandfather is not doing well, he is in the hospital and most likely won't be coming out. I didn't realize how sad this was making me. I guess if it's not happening right in front of me then I am pretty good at detaching. Once I realized how I was feeling I shared it with my husband and also called my sister who I actually cried with because we both had a similar relationship with him and she could understand.

I feel proud of myself for doing these things.

My food intake has been a little out of control....well a lot out of control. Writing here has helped. :)

Friday, September 20, 2013

I want to do something that scares me!

I was reading Roni's blog about going outside her comfort zone and I realized it's been a LONG time since I got those jittery, butterflies in my stomach feeling because I am so excited and scared about something at the same time.  I'd like to have that feeling! 

I remember in high school I tried out for choir and I picked the song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music.  I can vividly recall the moment where I sang that song by myself in front of the choir director as my audition and then bursting out of the room and bouncing with glee when I found my sister who was waiting to walk home with me.  I was so proud.  And it didn't even matter if I got in or not, I gave it a shot and that was the point.  And you know what?  I probably sucked!  But I got into the choir and had so much fun over the next two years making wonderful friends and admiring the very choir director I auditioned with.  All because I took a very scary step.

Like she said, it doesn't have to be something big.  I don't know what but I am going to do something.  Who's with me??

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Sore Muscles

I love the feeling of sore muscles?  I have been proudly active for the past three days and I love the residual feeling of having done activity, aka a sore body.  I am just getting back into the groove after having my sweet baby girl and it really feels good. 

I've been employing Roni's What You Can When You Can challenge and it's just what I need to get me psyched about "squishing" in some activity somewhere.

It's all part of loving myself and having a desire to be around for as long as possible for my kids and, hopefully, their kids too.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The scale is sucking me in!

I've been weighing myself!  It's something I'd gotten away from happily because it's not a good measure for how I am doing.  It seemed counter intuitive to me when I first started normal eating but now it makes complete sense.

What results from weighing myself?  Feeling frustrated, unhappy, disappointed, ashamed.  While all of those feelings are okay to have, they aren't ones that are conducive to moving forward on my journey.  Mostly because they just make me want to eat.  And they make me feel bad about myself.

So I am officially giving up the scale once more.  I can measure how I am doing based on:
  • How often I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied
  • Success in talking myself down when I want to eat but am not hungry
  • Figuring out what my true need is (since it isn't food!)
  • Giving myself what I truly need
  • Managing my anxiety...keeping myself from getting too anxious (which makes me want to eat!)
All of these kind of add up to taking care of myself, loving myself.

How would you quantify a successful day if "measurements" were off the table?

Monday, September 16, 2013

Why are evenings so hard?!?

My mind is out of control!  Just read a GREAT article about why and what to do to combat it:

To begin, I've got a brain dump.  Hopefully this will be a good start to clearing my mind.

I have been out of control with food.  So many things on my mind today.  Maybe brain dumping in and of itself will stop my craziness and allow me to get back on track with normal eating.

Last night I ate half a block of cheese in front of the TV.  I won't tell you how big the block of cheese was :)  I clearly need a plan of action for the evenings.

I am pumping post-baby and I want to take advantage of this time and I am starting to panic because I don't know how long I will be able to pump and I believe that losing weight will be nearly impossible if I am not pumping (true or not? I have no idea).

I am concerned about my ability to be a normal eater.  I feel very out of touch with my body and my hunger right now.  I feel afraid I am never going to get there.

I have a long list of To Dos and they are freaking me out!  I have both personal and professional lists and am feeling overwhelmed.

So here's my plan of action:
  • Eat something.
  • Pump on time. Let's keep this going! 
  • Make my to do lists, get everything out of my head and on paper
  • Prioritize my lists.
  • Commit to completing at least one major and two minor things on each list.
  • Do one fun thing after each task is complete (nothing that takes too long)
  • Make a plan of action for success in the evenings
I have 10,000 things running through my  mind and I get all frenzied and then I eat eat eat!  And I think I become detached from everything I am trying to accomplish because it seems easier.

Today my mantra will be: "There is a lot to do but I have time and I will get it done."

Does anyone else get crazy like this?  How do you handle it?

Friday, September 13, 2013

Feelings After Binge

Karen Koenig posted on her blog about Mood and Unhealthy Foods and asked us to think about what emotions we feel after eating unhealthy foods. 

I made a list and this is what I came up with:
  • manic
  • relief
  • insatiable (I want more, more, more)
  • deserving of a treat

Not really what I expected to find out but, then again, I guess that's what these exercises are for.  Reading this list made me realize (again) that maybe my issue is anxiety rather than food.  If I can continue to work on keeping my anxiety level low and, when it gets high, find alternative ways to help myself rather than turning to a binge, I can begin to overcome this enormous road block.

What emotions do you feel after you binge?

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Off and on

I am off and on with my life. I want to eat mindfully, I want to play the guitar, I want to start a business, I want to grow this blog...I could go on and on! 

I can't seem to follow through and am easily distracted by my next great idea. And what do I have to show for it? A bunch of great ideas that I am excited about but which never happen. 

This In turn makes me anxious which then makes me want to eat. 

What is up with this? Anyone else have the same issue?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Blood Sugar Tracker

Went to the doc yesterday and left my blood sugar tracking booklet there, they were going to make a copy and I forgot to wait for it!  I'm sure I will get it back but not for two weeks.  So I made my own, nerd that I am.  Here it is!

Blood Sugar Tracker
 Thought I would share in case anyone else out there might need it.  It's pretty simple and since I am just borderline, I am just tracking for my own knowledge and for my doc.  I am not counting carbs hard-core or taking any medication.

I am using the Walgreens brand TRUEtrack Blood Glucose Monitoring System which is cheap.  The lancets are also cheap but test strips are expensive, even with a script from the doc.

This surely gives me a new appreciation for anyone with diabetes.  It's a tough disease to figure out and so much of it is about your body and how it reponds.  It's almost trial and error.  I'll have to get tested once a year after babies because my chances of getting it later in life have increased.  Poo!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Patience...I thought I had it!

I have been feeling restrained lately.  I feel like there is something big for me on the horizon and I just want it to be here already.  I want to take in the world, be out there experiencing as much as I possible can and yet here I sit, behind my computer screen doing a job I am good at but am not feeling passionate about.

I desperately want to feel passionate about what I am doing.  If I am going to be away from my son all day, I should love what I do, shouldn't I?

Then I think, who am I to want that? Many many many many women have come before me and haven't been able to do something they love.  They do what they have to do to put food on the table and take care of their families.  Why would I be any different?  Am I special?  I don't know the answer to that question.  All I know is that I feel stifled.  Am I allowed to want more?

Then I think, you will get where you want to go, you just can't do it right now.  So take some steps in that direction.  Learn, experiment, see what works, see what doesn't, use it all as information so you can strike when the time is right.  But being patient is so very hard when I sit at my desk and want.

That brings me to reality.  Even if I get what I think I want, there will be things I miss about having a regular day job.  I will miss the security and the lack of mental investment needed.  I might miss the flexibility in my schedule and the professional interactions. 

Also, what I love doing isn't exactly clear in my head.  I have ideas, I have longings, but nothing solid I can hang my hat on. Nothing that I know will bring in the cash to replace my day job.

Oh the frustration.  At least I am getting it out there, letting the feeling see the light of day.  That helps.  I can't have everything today, and that's okay.  I CAN tolerate these feelings.  And I will go home and see my baby and play with him and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Checking in on feelings and food + numbers

I've been trying to check in with my feelings today, so far I've done it twice which I actually feel is a pretty big success!  Feeling a whole range of emotions today:

  • Some sadness
  • Contentedness
  • Excitement
  • Fear
  • Nervousness
  • Scattered

In reading one of Karen's blog posts today, I realized that when my emotions got overwhelming, my mom often didn't know how to handle that. Her own emotions are often overwhelming and she has to calm herself down. 

The only thing I ever remember her saying is that you should give yourself 15 minutes for a "pity party" and then move on.  But going through adolescence, I remember there were months when I couldn't "snap out of it" and she got very frustrated, not surprisingly.  But I had no idea what to do to change it. 

I also was encouraged by the concept that "the world is so much richer and more interesting with emotions."  It gives me a positive feeling about doing this work.

It will take me some time to remember to check in and that is obviously the first step.  In addition, I am going to go back through the Food and Feelings Workbook and reread it for new insight.

Here's a breakdown of my day:

Meal TypeFoodTimeBS
Wednesday Evening SnackCheese (not very late, only about 8:30p)Fasting98
BreakfastCheerios with milk2 hours after bfast90
LunchEnchiladas with sour cream2 hours after lunch106
SnackSteel cut oats with splenda and half and half (not a fan of splenda for this meal)

Food this week

I am finding myself digging around trying to figure out what I ate last time I was pregnant and what my blood sugar and weight numbers were so I am going to use this blog to give myself some historical reference on this front.  Here's a general list of what I've been eating...

Food this week:
Steel cut oats with half and half, brown sugar, banana chunks
Cheerios with Splenda or fruit
Eggs (fried, scrambled, omelet, poached) and toast with sausage (nitrate free!)

Apple with peanut butter
Orange with cheese
Popcorn (not the best)
Special K cereal
Avocado with cottage cheese and chips (chips not the best)
Cheese (bedtime snack)

Pork enchiladas, homemade (brought a bunch so I could eat them every day)
Pork chop with applesauce

Pizza (Palmero which is pretty low in carbs but still not the best) with salad
Feta stuffed chicken

Large iced coffee with sugar-free vanilla and half and half
La Croix water
Regular water

Wednesday Food and Numbers

Here's a breakdown of my day:

Meal TypeFoodTimeBS
Tuesday Evening SnackSpecial K, CheeseFasting105
BreakfastCheerios with milk and strawberries, sausage2 hours after bfast84
SnackSteel cut oats with half and half, banana, brown sugar2 hours after snack107
LunchEnchiladas with sour cream2 hours after lunch89
SnackBanana and cheese
DinnerStuffed chicken

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Feelings and true needs - My Challenge

Feeling My Feelings

When I was a kid I was overwhelmed with emotion and remember the exact day when I learned how to turn off my emotions.  It was a powerful skill to learn and served me well while I was growing up but I know in my heart that I won't be able to become a normal eater until I allow my feelings to flow more naturally. 

I have been resisting this piece of normal eating and I know it.  It's not that I don't let myself feel but I find it difficult to do consistently and I am afraid of being overwhelmed.  In my mind I know that feelings fade if I let them out and that all feelings are important and give me important information about me, but living that on a daily basis is really tough! 

I am also afraid that I won't be able to figure out how I'm feeling or that it will be too hard and I will give up.  I don't try for very long even when I do try.  I am frustrated with this and will need to do some belief work around this because I think it's a deeper issue.  Something like:
Irrational Belief: I can't make change in my own life.
Rational Belief: I can make change in my life.
Rational Belief: Change is hard but I can do it.
Rational Belief: I can change with practice.
Rational Belief: It might be hard to make changes at first but it will get easier with practice.
Rational Belief: Change takes time and patience.
Rational Belief: Change may be slow.

My True Needs

In addition to that, using my feelings to determine what I truly need is a struggle.  Then sharing my feelings and asking for or giving myself what I need once I figure it out is also hard.  I am afraid that my feelings and needs might be upsetting to someone around me is a major trigger for me.  I want to learn to handle those feelings as well and look them right in the face. 

I had an issue with this recently and didn't share something because I was afraid of the reaction.  Once I did share, the reaction was far more damaging than if I had been honest in the first place.  I want to remember this and practice being honest regardless of the reaction.  This is also an important piece of my recovery.

I really want to do this.  I am going to be single-minded and dogged about it. 

  1. Tune into my feelings every single day, every hour if need be until it gets easier
  2. Figure out what I truly need and ask for it or give it to myself
  3. Be honest, share even when I am scared of the reaction
  4. Be brave, learn that I can handle whatever comes my way
Tools to help me:
  • Come up with a goal, key phrase or mantra I can post and look at constantly
    • I want to learn my true needs with curiosity and compassion.
    • I am worth the work.
    • Helpful quote: "There is, I have learned, all the difference between the desire and the act.  The one is written on water, the other carved in stone." Lawrence Block
  • Reminder alarms to cue me to check in with myself
    • Set!  Three times a day (and also if I want to eat when I'm not hungry)
  • Question(s) I can ask myself periodically to help me tune in
    • Close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and ask:
      • What am I feeling?
      • What do I need?
      • Is there any action I should take?
  • Blog about it!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Forward Steps

A few steps in the right direction lately:

Work - Related:
  • I got a membership to the ASTD website and have asked to get certified which was met with enthusiasm!  I plan to get things started and scheduled and get this done before June 1.
  • I've been really focused on doing a good job at work and trying not to get too distracted.  It does leave me feeling more satisfied at the end of the day.
  • My blood sugar seems to be coming down through diet modification and I couldn't be more thrilled! 
  • I started a list of delicious meals that are low in carbs and sugar so I can eat things I like.
  • I bought a heartrate monitor so I can start exercising within reason and still be healthy for baby.
We've been continuing our work on organizing the house and getting rid of things we don't use.  It will be a continual project but two great things are the bookshelf and the linen shelf that I have organized...oh! and the changing table/dresser.  We'll keep hacking away at it.  What I've discovered is that it's a continual process and the more I make it part of my lifestyle rather than a once/year or once/decade event, the better off we will be!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Living a full life

One of the more difficult (IMHO) parts of normal eating is building a life you love and that fulfills you.  This is so difficult because I don't know what it is that would fulfill me and it's a tough journey trying to figure it out.  It really shouldn't be that hard, or doesn't sound like it should be, but it is!  I find myself reading facebook and blogs and seeing how others are figuring this out and I get really frustrated because it appears they are doing so much to live a full life and I am doing nothing!

Just took five deep breaths and reminded myself that I am doing my very best.  I want so many things and feel like the job I am in really stops me from doing what I want.  It's really me that stops me I suppose.

Maybe what I need is a little dose of what my life is right now and what I AM doing...
  • I am raising a beautiful little 18 month old boy
  • I am growing a baby girl to be born in June 2013
  • I have written about 50 pages of a screenplay
  • I have a good job doing something I am good at
  • I am attempting to write a blog
  • I am working on normal eating and my own emotional growth and development
  • I am reading a book
  • I just completed and continue to work on sleep training a toddler
  • I am helping my husband find a job in another city and contemplating a move

Here are some things I would like:
  • Complete my screenplay before the baby is born
  • Get my training certification before the baby is born
  • Apply to grad school
  • Take lots of pictures
  • Continue to work on blogging
  • Attend a blogging conference, maybe BlogHer??
I know this is something I constantly battle with, I have this idea in my head that everyone else is living the life that they dream of and I am not.  Is this true?  When something is no longer working, that is when you have to take some risks and try something new and I feel like I am not taking any risks.  And that is what creates excitement, right?  And it does!  It has been a long time since I tried for something.  Now that's a thought I will continue to ponder.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Spring Cleaning

It's been warm where I live and I've been having the urge to clean out the house.  I feel like I see clutter everywhere I look and I have such little storage space that there's not a space for everything.  Which  means I need to get rid of things that I don't use.  I am so excited to do this because I feel like a clean, uncluttered house is a way of taking care of myself and brings such calm to my mind and soul.

We started with the kitchen last weekend although we still have some to do there.  I also cleaned out a closet which badly needed cleaning.  I love opening that closet now!

This weekend I'll tackle cords and our linen rack and a bookshelf.  I'm getting rid of everything we don't use.  I know that I won't miss it once it's gone, it's just tough to make the initial decision to get rid of something.  I have this urge to say, someday I might want or need it, but in reality, I probably won't.  And for those days of clutter-free living, it will be well worth repurchasing a few things if and when I truly need them.

I didn't take any before and after pictures but I will remedy that this weekend.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


I am sitting here frustrated with the state of things in my career but so afraid to take a step in any direction.  I want so many things, I have so many ideas, but I lack the confidence to believe that any one of them will work out.  I think it's because there are so many things about my life that haven't worked out.  I look back on the many decisions that I regret.

On the flip side there are so many that I don't regret! 

And yet, here I sit in fear.  It's a new place for me and I am not comfortable with it.  I just don't want to take a risk and waste a bunch of money that I didn't have. 

How do I get over the fear?  How do I move forward?  I don't want to keep going on like I have been...I WANT change.  But the fear grips me.  How do I feel the fear and do it anyway?

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Feelings of deprivation

Whenever I tried to diet I would always end up feeling rebellious, feeling deprived, and it would make me angry!  I would then go off and eat whatever I wanted and however much I wanted to eat.  It was so frustrating and one of the things that drove me to look for normal eating. 

Recently someone posed the question, what is the feeling of deprivation really about?  I gave it some thought and will give it much more but what I have come to so far is that I don't want to be told what to do.  I was told what to do for many many years and not given the space to figure things out for myself.  Someone else always had the answer for me and would give it right away without allowing me the time to mull it over and come to my own conclusion.  And rather than speak up, I would just follow along.

It takes me time to think about what I want and need, sometimes a LONG time, and those that surrounded me didn't need that time...at least not for telling ME what to do.  I would get frustrated because I wanted to know myself, to take all the time I needed to figure out my wants, even something as simple as what I wanted to eat.

I know now that this type of reflection is what builds self trust and was always stolen from me, like a rug being pulled out from underneath me.  I WANTED to figure things out for myself but people around me wanted to always fix it for me or choose for me because they were faster and thought they knew what I wanted/needed.

And how could they?  I didn't even know.

So now I have this kneejerk reaction when someone or something tells me what to do, even a diet, and that is to get angry and rebel, do the opposite, rather than take the time to figure it out for myself, no matter how long it takes, and if someone tries to jump in and figure it out for me, to speak up!

This is a skill that I want to work on building, even in simple day-to-day encounters.  It's hard for me because my natural instinct is just to go along, not to speak up,  but it's in the speaking up that my confidence will build.  SO hard and yet so important.