Checking in on feelings and food + numbers

I've been trying to check in with my feelings today, so far I've done it twice which I actually feel is a pretty big success!  Feeling a whole range of emotions today:

• Some sadness
• Contentedness
• Excitement
• Fear
• Nervousness
• Scattered

In reading one of Karen's blog posts today, I realized that when my emotions got overwhelming, my mom often didn't know how to handle that. Her own emotions are often overwhelming and she has to calm herself down. 

The only thing I ever remember her saying is that you should give yourself 15 minutes for a "pity party" and then move on.  But going through adolescence, I remember there were months when I couldn't "snap out of it" and she got very frustrated, not surprisingly.  But I had no idea what to do to change it. 

I also was encouraged by the concept that "the world is so much richer and more interesting with emotions."  It gives me a positive feeling about doing this work.

It will take me some time to remember to check in and that is obviously the first step.  In addition, I am going to go back through the Food and Feelings Workbook and reread it for new insight.

Here's a breakdown of my day:

 

Meal Type	Food	Time	BS
Wednesday Evening Snack	Cheese (not very late, only about 8:30p)	Fasting	98
Breakfast	Cheerios with milk	2 hours after bfast	90
Lunch	Enchiladas with sour cream	2 hours after lunch	106
Snack	Steel cut oats with splenda and half and half (not a fan of splenda for this meal)
Dinner
Snack

Food this week

I am finding myself digging around trying to figure out what I ate last time I was pregnant and what my blood sugar and weight numbers were so I am going to use this blog to give myself some historical reference on this front.  Here's a general list of what I've been eating...

Food this week:
Breakfast
Steel cut oats with half and half, brown sugar, banana chunks
Cheerios with Splenda or fruit
Eggs (fried, scrambled, omelet, poached) and toast with sausage (nitrate free!)

Snacks:
Apple with peanut butter
Orange with cheese
Popcorn (not the best)
Nuts
Special K cereal
Avocado with cottage cheese and chips (chips not the best)
Cheese (bedtime snack)

Lunch:
Pork enchiladas, homemade (brought a bunch so I could eat them every day)
Pork chop with applesauce

Dinner:
Enchiladas
Pizza (Palmero which is pretty low in carbs but still not the best) with salad
Feta stuffed chicken

Drinks:
Large iced coffee with sugar-free vanilla and half and half
La Croix water
Regular water
Milk

Wednesday Food and Numbers

Here's a breakdown of my day:

Meal Type	Food	Time	BS
Tuesday Evening Snack	Special K, Cheese	Fasting	105
Breakfast	Cheerios with milk and strawberries, sausage	2 hours after bfast	84
Snack	Steel cut oats with half and half, banana, brown sugar	2 hours after snack	107
Lunch	Enchiladas with sour cream	2 hours after lunch	89
Snack	Banana and cheese
Dinner	Stuffed chicken
Snack	Cheese

Feelings and true needs - My Challenge

Feeling My Feelings

When I was a kid I was overwhelmed with emotion and remember the exact day when I learned how to turn off my emotions.  It was a powerful skill to learn and served me well while I was growing up but I know in my heart that I won't be able to become a normal eater until I allow my feelings to flow more naturally. 

I have been resisting this piece of normal eating and I know it.  It's not that I don't let myself feel but I find it difficult to do consistently and I am afraid of being overwhelmed.  In my mind I know that feelings fade if I let them out and that all feelings are important and give me important information about me, but living that on a daily basis is really tough! 

I am also afraid that I won't be able to figure out how I'm feeling or that it will be too hard and I will give up.  I don't try for very long even when I do try.  I am frustrated with this and will need to do some belief work around this because I think it's a deeper issue.  Something like:

Irrational Belief: I can't make change in my own life.
Rational Belief: I can make change in my life.
Rational Belief: Change is hard but I can do it.
Rational Belief: I can change with practice.
Rational Belief: It might be hard to make changes at first but it will get easier with practice.
Rational Belief: Change takes time and patience.
Rational Belief: Change may be slow.

My True Needs

In addition to that, using my feelings to determine what I truly need is a struggle.  Then sharing my feelings and asking for or giving myself what I need once I figure it out is also hard.  I am afraid that my feelings and needs might be upsetting to someone around me is a major trigger for me.  I want to learn to handle those feelings as well and look them right in the face. 

I had an issue with this recently and didn't share something because I was afraid of the reaction.  Once I did share, the reaction was far more damaging than if I had been honest in the first place.  I want to remember this and practice being honest regardless of the reaction.  This is also an important piece of my recovery.

I really want to do this.  I am going to be single-minded and dogged about it. 

Goals

1. Tune into my feelings every single day, every hour if need be until it gets easier
2. Figure out what I truly need and ask for it or give it to myself
3. Be honest, share even when I am scared of the reaction
4. Be brave, learn that I can handle whatever comes my way

Tools to help me:

• Come up with a goal, key phrase or mantra I can post and look at constantly
• I want to learn my true needs with curiosity and compassion.
• I am worth the work.
• Helpful quote: "There is, I have learned, all the difference between the desire and the act.  The one is written on water, the other carved in stone." Lawrence Block
• Reminder alarms to cue me to check in with myself
• Set!  Three times a day (and also if I want to eat when I'm not hungry)
• Question(s) I can ask myself periodically to help me tune in
• Close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and ask:
• What am I feeling?
• What do I need?
• Is there any action I should take?
• Blog about it!

Forward Steps

A few steps in the right direction lately:

Work - Related:

• I got a membership to the ASTD website and have asked to get certified which was met with enthusiasm!  I plan to get things started and scheduled and get this done before June 1.
• I've been really focused on doing a good job at work and trying not to get too distracted.  It does leave me feeling more satisfied at the end of the day.

Health

• My blood sugar seems to be coming down through diet modification and I couldn't be more thrilled! 
• I started a list of delicious meals that are low in carbs and sugar so I can eat things I like.
• I bought a heartrate monitor so I can start exercising within reason and still be healthy for baby.

Organization
We've been continuing our work on organizing the house and getting rid of things we don't use.  It will be a continual project but two great things are the bookshelf and the linen shelf that I have organized...oh! and the changing table/dresser.  We'll keep hacking away at it.  What I've discovered is that it's a continual process and the more I make it part of my lifestyle rather than a once/year or once/decade event, the better off we will be!