Vulnerability, the key to a well-lived life

I watched this video today (posted on the Food and Feelings Yahoo board) and it opened my eyes to how important being vulnerable is to living a full, well-rounded life. And how having connection to others is the point of this madness we call life. I particularly liked the visual of "leaning into the pain" and how important that is to becoming emotionally mature. It gives me good reason to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Part of that is this blog. I feel fear about having a blog often. I have to wait for it to pass and sometimes that doesn't happen for a long time. But then I think about all the people I could help someday, and how it helps me when I post.  There are so many dieting blogs but that only scratches the surface of eating issues. And I know that. And I know that I would have loved to have a blog written by someone like me. So I decide all the time to be brave, lean into the fear, and come here and write.

Operation "I Don't Skip Workouts"

Success for 2/3 days!  I am going to look at that as success because both of those days I was in NO mood to exercise and saying this statement got me up out of the chair.  One time it was just before I went to bed just so I could say I did it.  I am going to keep at it!

As I was thinking about this morning, success doesn't come from doing things when I am motivated and excited, it comes from sticking it out and doing things even when I feel completely unmotivated and poopy.  In fact, I just finished doing lunges in my office and it was just the thing I needed to pull me out of a funk.

Hope everyone is having a moderately successful day!

A simple word change goes a long way!

I read a blog post about the difference between using the phrase "I can't" and "I don't" and how this simple change in self-talk can help us stick to our goals.  You can read the article here.

Using the phrase "I don't" helped 8 out of 10 subjects stick to their goals versus 1 out of 10 who used the phrase "I can't".  That is remarkable!

So I found my first challenge!  Every time I feel like skipping exercise, I will use the phrase "I don't".  I'll practice here:

• I don't skip exercise.

I can see why this phrasing can be so effective because it comes from a place of power and choice.  I love it!    I think this small habit change will surely help me resist temptation and feel more empowered in achieving my goals.  And the great thing is that it can be used with any goal!

Anybody want to try this with me?

Some days WILL be harder than others

When the going gets tough, I often quit.  I had a tough day yesterday breastfeeding because I had an irregular schedule and could only pump twice instead of three times.  I didn't manage my time well and didn't speak up when I needed to leave and pump.  I just kept my mouth shut and worried and got anxious.
Rather than see whatever is happening as a tough blip in the road, I see it as a behemoth problem and decide that the only solution is to quit.  It's such an automatic reaction, I completely blow things out of proportion and I have a hard time seeing the bigger picture.  At least in that moment.  I actually considered quitting breastfeeding and pumping yesterday because I had one tough day.
Sometimes I have to talk myself down, sometimes another person talks me down, but it is definitely a pattern and I am wondering if I have some underlying beliefs that are driving this compulsion. 

• Irrational Belief #1: It's too hard.
• IB #2: I will never be able to do this.
• IB #3: I can't handle it.
• IB #4: I am a bad person because I can't handle this.
• IB #5: If it's hard I might as well quit.

Ooh, IB #4 really hit home for me, really drew some deep emotion out of me.  When I can't do something or it's hard, I immediately think it's a major flaw with me.  It's not just how life is for everyone, it's specific to me.  I just suck.
Let me go ahead and reframe these now:

• Rational Belief #1: It's hard now but it will get easier. OR Some days will be harder than others.
• RB #2: I may never be great at this but I will get better. OR It's hard now but it will get easier.
• RB #3: I can handle it.  It's hard/tough but I can handle it.
• RB #4: You are a good person whether you are good at something or not. OR You are a good person even if you suck at something.  OR I am a good person and I can handle it.
• RB #5: If it's hard you can keep trying. OR It's hard now but it will get easier. FOLLOWED BY If it doesn't get easier, you can decide to stop.
• RB #6: It's okay to suck at things.  Everyone does sometimes.

I read somewhere that "gifted" children often get easily frustrated because things come easily to them generally so if they struggle with something, they will get defeated very quickly.  I think this is me.  Normal eating is the first thing I've really tried to work on and it is HARD.  It's the only thing I've never thought about quitting, though :)

Just a Hoper

Today Karen's blog is titled Hope is not a Plan.  It really got me thinking.  I am a hoper without a plan.  In the back of my mind I believe that normal eating will just COME to me like snow falling from the sky.  Like it will just float down and envelope me without any particular action on my part.  It's not that I'm not working, but I may not be working hard enough.

This is partially why I am getting back to this blog.  I want to become more active in my approach to normal eating.  I want to objectively look at each of my habits one by one and begin to make a plan of action for each one.  I want to change each habit one by one until it becomes second nature.

The good news is that there was a time when I just felt completely overwhelmed by the idea of trying to change anything because I didn't think I had any regular habits.  I couldn't even imagine how I'd eliminate 200 calories from my daily diet.  I just didn't think I had any kind of consistency where I could remove those 200 calories and have it make any kind of impact.  I just figured I'd eat them at some other time of day.  But slowly I have come to understand and see my habits more clearly.  This is progress!

I will use this information and start small so that I can build my success.  I will become a Hoper with a Plan!

Things that scare me!

So I did something that scares me this weekend. It wasn't something fun, necessarily, but it was good and healthy for me. This weekend I stood up for myself AND I shared my emotions with someone.  Although these things may come easily to some, for me they are a challenge and take conscious effort.

First I had an argument with my husband and rather than let it go I asked him if we could talk about it, which we did. Both the argument and the make-up conversation were good things for me to work through. Also my toddler was there to witness it all so I talked to him about what was happening to help him understand that sometimes we argue but that's ok. And he was able to see our resolution.

In addition my adopted grandfather is not doing well, he is in the hospital and most likely won't be coming out. I didn't realize how sad this was making me. I guess if it's not happening right in front of me then I am pretty good at detaching. Once I realized how I was feeling I shared it with my husband and also called my sister who I actually cried with because we both had a similar relationship with him and she could understand.

I feel proud of myself for doing these things.

My food intake has been a little out of control....well a lot out of control. Writing here has helped. :)

Sore Muscles

I love the feeling of sore muscles?  I have been proudly active for the past three days and I love the residual feeling of having done activity, aka a sore body.  I am just getting back into the groove after having my sweet baby girl and it really feels good. 

I've been employing Roni's What You Can When You Can challenge and it's just what I need to get me psyched about "squishing" in some activity somewhere.

It's all part of loving myself and having a desire to be around for as long as possible for my kids and, hopefully, their kids too.

Off and on

I am off and on with my life. I want to eat mindfully, I want to play the guitar, I want to start a business, I want to grow this blog...I could go on and on! 

I can't seem to follow through and am easily distracted by my next great idea. And what do I have to show for it? A bunch of great ideas that I am excited about but which never happen. 

This In turn makes me anxious which then makes me want to eat. 

What is up with this? Anyone else have the same issue?

Feelings and true needs - My Challenge

Feeling My Feelings

When I was a kid I was overwhelmed with emotion and remember the exact day when I learned how to turn off my emotions.  It was a powerful skill to learn and served me well while I was growing up but I know in my heart that I won't be able to become a normal eater until I allow my feelings to flow more naturally. 

I have been resisting this piece of normal eating and I know it.  It's not that I don't let myself feel but I find it difficult to do consistently and I am afraid of being overwhelmed.  In my mind I know that feelings fade if I let them out and that all feelings are important and give me important information about me, but living that on a daily basis is really tough! 

I am also afraid that I won't be able to figure out how I'm feeling or that it will be too hard and I will give up.  I don't try for very long even when I do try.  I am frustrated with this and will need to do some belief work around this because I think it's a deeper issue.  Something like:

Irrational Belief: I can't make change in my own life.
Rational Belief: I can make change in my life.
Rational Belief: Change is hard but I can do it.
Rational Belief: I can change with practice.
Rational Belief: It might be hard to make changes at first but it will get easier with practice.
Rational Belief: Change takes time and patience.
Rational Belief: Change may be slow.

My True Needs

In addition to that, using my feelings to determine what I truly need is a struggle.  Then sharing my feelings and asking for or giving myself what I need once I figure it out is also hard.  I am afraid that my feelings and needs might be upsetting to someone around me is a major trigger for me.  I want to learn to handle those feelings as well and look them right in the face. 

I had an issue with this recently and didn't share something because I was afraid of the reaction.  Once I did share, the reaction was far more damaging than if I had been honest in the first place.  I want to remember this and practice being honest regardless of the reaction.  This is also an important piece of my recovery.

I really want to do this.  I am going to be single-minded and dogged about it. 

Goals

1. Tune into my feelings every single day, every hour if need be until it gets easier
2. Figure out what I truly need and ask for it or give it to myself
3. Be honest, share even when I am scared of the reaction
4. Be brave, learn that I can handle whatever comes my way

Tools to help me:

• Come up with a goal, key phrase or mantra I can post and look at constantly
• I want to learn my true needs with curiosity and compassion.
• I am worth the work.
• Helpful quote: "There is, I have learned, all the difference between the desire and the act.  The one is written on water, the other carved in stone." Lawrence Block
• Reminder alarms to cue me to check in with myself
• Set!  Three times a day (and also if I want to eat when I'm not hungry)
• Question(s) I can ask myself periodically to help me tune in
• Close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and ask:
• What am I feeling?
• What do I need?
• Is there any action I should take?
• Blog about it!

Big news - And what it means about my eating

It's a LITTLE early to share but I'm going for it anyay, I'm pregnant!  It's very exciting news, this is baby number two and most likely the last baby I will have.  It's weird to think I have one, even, so two really blows my mind.  There is a lot to think about now, a lot of planning to do.  It's a little overwhelming and scary but we'll just take it as it comes. 

What does this mean for my eating?  Well, a couple of things.  Eating a well-balanced diet is always important during pregnancy (or all the time really) but especially important because I ALMOST had gestational diabetes last pregnancy.  Now, I weigh less this time around so that might help but it's still something I have to keep my eye on.  And to be honest, it's a great way to eat generally so I'll do my best to follow the diabetic diet regardless. 

My last pregnancy went wonderfully.  I was exercising and eating well.  I didn't gain one pound and after the baby was born I was down 36 lbs.  I have gained most of that back and I am down about 15 lbs from the first time I got pregnant.  But I had the motivation of having borderline gestational diabetes. 

It was very scary and nervewracking because I didn't actually have gestational diabetes so I didn't get the benefit of the education they would have provided me so I had to figure it out on my own.  The doc's advice was "just have a sandwich with half the bread and no mayo".  Oh, so simple.  Yeah right.

So this means that I need to get back into testing my blood sugar, eating 5 small meals a day, eating the right amount of carbs, having a small protein snack right before I go to bed and limiting my sugar BIG TIME.

SO, how do I feel about making these changes in my diet?  Ugh.  That's about it.  I like the idea of it but it brings up the whole deprivation issue that drives the binge-diet cycle.  I like sugar, I don't like having to give it up.  I also don't like being told (even though it's my own body telling me) that I can't have something.  I will do some belief work on this and post later.  I'm sure I will have a lot to say about this over the next...7 months, 3 weeks and 3 days.

Motherhood - My Biggest Fear Around Food

Being someone who struggles with eating and food, I have a lot of fear around what I am teaching my little bean.  I haven't yet mastered the skills of normal eating and yet, I have to find a way to teach them to my son. 

 

These are the things I feel I do well:

 

• Introducing him to new foods as much as possible
• Not putting a value judgement on what he eats (or doesn't eat)
• Letting him try or not try whatever he wants
• Being unemotional about his food intake

 

Things I need to work on:

 

• I don't sit down with him as much as I want to and I am still working on preparing dinner early enough so we can all eat it together.
• Sometimes I do give him processed foods like chicken nuggets but I figure, I don't want to be the food police and he likes them so, why not?  Plus they are convenient!

 

But my biggest fear and the thing that I have the hardest time not doing is giving him food to soothe him or bribe him.  If he is upset, it's crazy how my first instinct is to grab a snack and put it in front of him!  I KNOW this totally goes back to my own issues and my own upbringing.  It's amazing how ingrained this is in me.  And since it is so ingrained, I do it without thought.  That is the scariest part. 

At the same time, the fear can sometimes lead me to eat!  Ah the cycle of emotion.  So two things to work on.  Mentioning it here will help me notice it when it happens so I can try another soothing technique.

The thing that's coming up for me now is realizing that by bribing or soothing him with food, I am teaching him to stuff down his emotions with food.  I can't tolerate his emotion, much the same way I can't tolerate my own, and I am then teaching him that the only way to cope is with food. 

Oh man.  That is heavy, no?

So what to do?  I want to:

• Learn to tolerate his emotion (it's okay, and even necessary for him to feel a  full range of emotions, it's totally normal and important for him to feel many things)
• Find ways besides food to help him cope with his emotion (singing a song, hugging him, mirroring his emotion, showing understanding)
• Realize that I don't need to stop him from having emotion, I can just let it ride until it passes, which it WILL
• Just be there with him, helping him feel

Wow, this has been eye-opening.  It's larger than just soothing or bribing him with food.  Definitely an area worth my time and effort.

What are your biggest fears about food and your family?
 

5 Things My Toddler Has Taught Me About Eating

It's tough being a mom.  It comes with a LOT of responsibility and since a normal relationship with food has always been a challenge for me, it is especially tough to figure out how best to teach it to my son.  Turns out, he's teaching me.  Here are five things I have learned about normal eating from my sweet little bean.

1. How to share...aka how to resist the urge to say Hey! That's mine! - I may be eating my very favorite food but if that little face looks up at me, opening his mouth for a bite, how can I resist?  There may be a small twinge inside that says, hey, that's mine!  It is my favorite food, after all.  What can I do but notice the twinge, recognize that I am attaching myself to wanting this food, and use my skills to detach from that desire.  I remember that I can have more if I want, I am an adult, I can go to the store and buy more if I want more.  But right now, I am going to share so that he can get the experience and sensation of eating my favorite food.  Most times, one bite will do and he will be on his way.  Sometimes he comes back for more.  Who can blame him?

2. The joy of sitting down at the dinner table - I want him to sit down for dinner which means I need to do the same.  This is tough for us but most nights we manage to sit down and eat together.  He is only 15 months and I know it will get more and more important to do this, so we are all working on getting into the habit...and I like it.  I have visions of us preparing and eating dinner together forever, or at least until he goes to college.  I want dinner to be a fun experience that bonds us together.  I can't wait to teach him what little I know about cooking and hopefully learn from him, too.  I think families that prepare and eat food together really do stay in touch.

3. How to eat until I am satisfied - He only eats as much as he wants and when he is done, he's DONE.  It's really helpful for me to observe and honor this in him, that way I can obvserve and honor it in myself.

4. How to enjoy what I'm eating - I don't have a lot of time, raising a 15 month old, so when I do get a few minutes to relax and enjoy what I am eating it feels like a real gift.  It's also the one time of day when we are all together and he isn't running all over the house.  I appreciate this more than I ever have.

5. The excitement of trying new things - I want him to have a well-balanced diet which means I have to prepare one for the whole famly.  I have started The Fresh 20 which is a great service that helps me prepare unprocessed meals for every night of the week and we are eating things I have never made or even had before!  It's fun and educational.  It also makes me proud to answer the question from the doc "so, he's getting a well-balanced diet, getting plenty of veggies?".  I am happy that I can say "yes!" without any hesitation.  My mother would be shocked if she knew everything that I've made so far.  I have chopped and prepared more veggies in three weeks than I have for this entire year!  It makes me feel proud.

The Voice

"The Voice," by Shel Silverstein

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long
"I think that this is right for me,
I know that THIS is wrong."
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend,
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you - just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

Lovingly let go of old coping skills

I have so many ideas, so many blogs, so many thoughts, racing through my head all the time.  I was feeling overwhelmed with figuring out how and where to share the multiple facets of my personality and I realized, they all really fall under this category, because normal eating or intuitive eating is about so much more than food.  In fact, the food issues are what prompted me to seek out help and the help I got was not even really about food.  First it was about feeling and managing emotions.  Over time, it became about finding a life I could love, discovering myself, really.

We are all born into a world where we have certain challenges.  And we find ways to cope with those challenges, many times they aren't very healthy.  As we grow older, those unhealthy skills we developed start to affect our adult life in ways we don't like.  For example, eating to cope and becoming overweight. 

Becoming mentally healthy meant putting those skills under a microscope, deciding if I still needed them (I didn't) and then going through the process of finding healthier ways to handle challenges.

As an adult I have so many more tools and resources so those unhealthy skills and coping mechanisms can be left behind, packed up and lovingly shoved out to the open sea.  They did me a good service when I needed them, and I did need them, but can now be set free to make way for something new, something healthy.

It's a new world and it is a little scary.  Scary to let go of those things that got me through some very tough times.  But on the other side must be something more.  A world I can't even imagine.  And the best part is that I still have it to discover.  I get to discover who I am, what I like, what I love, what I dislike, and it's all about me.  It's not about anyone else in my life.  I am an adult, I get to decide. 

So that is what I will post here. 

Tired of the to do list?

Is it just me or does it seem like the To Do List just keeps growing and growing and growing?  I keep piling it on adding more and more to the list until I feel like I want to completely shut down.  Why oh why do I do this?  It's all me doing it to myself!  I bet I could remove 90% of the things on my list and it wouldn't make one difference to my life. 

I guess this is a way for me to try and exert some type of control over my life.  I am not getting enough sleep, the toddler just won't sleep through the night, this somehow feels like my fault or something that should be within my control, and I have way too much to do!  And so much of it is my personal life and where does my professional work come in?  Then I beat myself up for not doing more work and doing all personal stuff...UGH!

You see the pattern?  I work myself into a frenzy and get all stressed out.  So I am going to do something about it. 

DEEP BREATH

First step, make myself some lunch and eat without distractions.  CHECK Next step, clean off my desk.  CHECK  Reduce work to-do list.  CHECK (reduced to 2 items)  Reduce personal to-do list CHECK (reduced to 1 item). 

Now all that's left is to complete those items and then CHILL.  Go home, pick up the toddler, make dinner, play, take a bath and go to bed. 

Everything else can wait until tomorrow.

Ah, I feel much better now. 

Previous Posts

I have been posting about my journey toward normal eating off and on for several years and decided that I wanted to branch off from the blogging network where I started (Blog to Lose) because I wanted a space to organize and share all the resources I have found while taking this journey and my old network didn't allow for that flexibilty.  Also, I don't feel like normal eating belongs just in a food and weight loss community. 

I hope to continue my connection there because I know how hard it can be to try to lose weight, especially through dieting, and maybe I can inspire a few of those bloggers to hop on the normal eating bandwagon.  I truly believe it will set them free from dieting as it has myself and many others.

I am looking forward to this new space and where this adventure might lead!

If' you'd like to read my old posts, you can click here!