Vulnerability, the key to a well-lived life

I watched this video today (posted on the Food and Feelings Yahoo board) and it opened my eyes to how important being vulnerable is to living a full, well-rounded life. And how having connection to others is the point of this madness we call life. I particularly liked the visual of "leaning into the pain" and how important that is to becoming emotionally mature. It gives me good reason to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Part of that is this blog. I feel fear about having a blog often. I have to wait for it to pass and sometimes that doesn't happen for a long time. But then I think about all the people I could help someday, and how it helps me when I post.  There are so many dieting blogs but that only scratches the surface of eating issues. And I know that. And I know that I would have loved to have a blog written by someone like me. So I decide all the time to be brave, lean into the fear, and come here and write.

Things that scare me!

So I did something that scares me this weekend. It wasn't something fun, necessarily, but it was good and healthy for me. This weekend I stood up for myself AND I shared my emotions with someone.  Although these things may come easily to some, for me they are a challenge and take conscious effort.

First I had an argument with my husband and rather than let it go I asked him if we could talk about it, which we did. Both the argument and the make-up conversation were good things for me to work through. Also my toddler was there to witness it all so I talked to him about what was happening to help him understand that sometimes we argue but that's ok. And he was able to see our resolution.

In addition my adopted grandfather is not doing well, he is in the hospital and most likely won't be coming out. I didn't realize how sad this was making me. I guess if it's not happening right in front of me then I am pretty good at detaching. Once I realized how I was feeling I shared it with my husband and also called my sister who I actually cried with because we both had a similar relationship with him and she could understand.

I feel proud of myself for doing these things.

My food intake has been a little out of control....well a lot out of control. Writing here has helped. :)

Patience...I thought I had it!

I have been feeling restrained lately.  I feel like there is something big for me on the horizon and I just want it to be here already.  I want to take in the world, be out there experiencing as much as I possible can and yet here I sit, behind my computer screen doing a job I am good at but am not feeling passionate about.

I desperately want to feel passionate about what I am doing.  If I am going to be away from my son all day, I should love what I do, shouldn't I?

Then I think, who am I to want that? Many many many many women have come before me and haven't been able to do something they love.  They do what they have to do to put food on the table and take care of their families.  Why would I be any different?  Am I special?  I don't know the answer to that question.  All I know is that I feel stifled.  Am I allowed to want more?

Then I think, you will get where you want to go, you just can't do it right now.  So take some steps in that direction.  Learn, experiment, see what works, see what doesn't, use it all as information so you can strike when the time is right.  But being patient is so very hard when I sit at my desk and want.

That brings me to reality.  Even if I get what I think I want, there will be things I miss about having a regular day job.  I will miss the security and the lack of mental investment needed.  I might miss the flexibility in my schedule and the professional interactions. 

Also, what I love doing isn't exactly clear in my head.  I have ideas, I have longings, but nothing solid I can hang my hat on. Nothing that I know will bring in the cash to replace my day job.

Oh the frustration.  At least I am getting it out there, letting the feeling see the light of day.  That helps.  I can't have everything today, and that's okay.  I CAN tolerate these feelings.  And I will go home and see my baby and play with him and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Living a full life

One of the more difficult (IMHO) parts of normal eating is building a life you love and that fulfills you.  This is so difficult because I don't know what it is that would fulfill me and it's a tough journey trying to figure it out.  It really shouldn't be that hard, or doesn't sound like it should be, but it is!  I find myself reading facebook and blogs and seeing how others are figuring this out and I get really frustrated because it appears they are doing so much to live a full life and I am doing nothing!

Just took five deep breaths and reminded myself that I am doing my very best.  I want so many things and feel like the job I am in really stops me from doing what I want.  It's really me that stops me I suppose.

Maybe what I need is a little dose of what my life is right now and what I AM doing...

• I am raising a beautiful little 18 month old boy
• I am growing a baby girl to be born in June 2013
• I have written about 50 pages of a screenplay
• I have a good job doing something I am good at
• I am attempting to write a blog
• I am working on normal eating and my own emotional growth and development
• I am reading a book
• I just completed and continue to work on sleep training a toddler
• I am helping my husband find a job in another city and contemplating a move

Here are some things I would like:

• Complete my screenplay before the baby is born
• Get my training certification before the baby is born
• Apply to grad school
• Take lots of pictures
• Continue to work on blogging
• Attend a blogging conference, maybe BlogHer??

I know this is something I constantly battle with, I have this idea in my head that everyone else is living the life that they dream of and I am not.  Is this true?  When something is no longer working, that is when you have to take some risks and try something new and I feel like I am not taking any risks.  And that is what creates excitement, right?  And it does!  It has been a long time since I tried for something.  Now that's a thought I will continue to ponder.

Fear

I am sitting here frustrated with the state of things in my career but so afraid to take a step in any direction.  I want so many things, I have so many ideas, but I lack the confidence to believe that any one of them will work out.  I think it's because there are so many things about my life that haven't worked out.  I look back on the many decisions that I regret.

On the flip side there are so many that I don't regret! 

And yet, here I sit in fear.  It's a new place for me and I am not comfortable with it.  I just don't want to take a risk and waste a bunch of money that I didn't have. 

How do I get over the fear?  How do I move forward?  I don't want to keep going on like I have been...I WANT change.  But the fear grips me.  How do I feel the fear and do it anyway?

Motherhood - My Biggest Fear Around Food

Being someone who struggles with eating and food, I have a lot of fear around what I am teaching my little bean.  I haven't yet mastered the skills of normal eating and yet, I have to find a way to teach them to my son. 

 

These are the things I feel I do well:

 

• Introducing him to new foods as much as possible
• Not putting a value judgement on what he eats (or doesn't eat)
• Letting him try or not try whatever he wants
• Being unemotional about his food intake

 

Things I need to work on:

 

• I don't sit down with him as much as I want to and I am still working on preparing dinner early enough so we can all eat it together.
• Sometimes I do give him processed foods like chicken nuggets but I figure, I don't want to be the food police and he likes them so, why not?  Plus they are convenient!

 

But my biggest fear and the thing that I have the hardest time not doing is giving him food to soothe him or bribe him.  If he is upset, it's crazy how my first instinct is to grab a snack and put it in front of him!  I KNOW this totally goes back to my own issues and my own upbringing.  It's amazing how ingrained this is in me.  And since it is so ingrained, I do it without thought.  That is the scariest part. 

At the same time, the fear can sometimes lead me to eat!  Ah the cycle of emotion.  So two things to work on.  Mentioning it here will help me notice it when it happens so I can try another soothing technique.

The thing that's coming up for me now is realizing that by bribing or soothing him with food, I am teaching him to stuff down his emotions with food.  I can't tolerate his emotion, much the same way I can't tolerate my own, and I am then teaching him that the only way to cope is with food. 

Oh man.  That is heavy, no?

So what to do?  I want to:

• Learn to tolerate his emotion (it's okay, and even necessary for him to feel a  full range of emotions, it's totally normal and important for him to feel many things)
• Find ways besides food to help him cope with his emotion (singing a song, hugging him, mirroring his emotion, showing understanding)
• Realize that I don't need to stop him from having emotion, I can just let it ride until it passes, which it WILL
• Just be there with him, helping him feel

Wow, this has been eye-opening.  It's larger than just soothing or bribing him with food.  Definitely an area worth my time and effort.

What are your biggest fears about food and your family?
 

Lovingly let go of old coping skills

I have so many ideas, so many blogs, so many thoughts, racing through my head all the time.  I was feeling overwhelmed with figuring out how and where to share the multiple facets of my personality and I realized, they all really fall under this category, because normal eating or intuitive eating is about so much more than food.  In fact, the food issues are what prompted me to seek out help and the help I got was not even really about food.  First it was about feeling and managing emotions.  Over time, it became about finding a life I could love, discovering myself, really.

We are all born into a world where we have certain challenges.  And we find ways to cope with those challenges, many times they aren't very healthy.  As we grow older, those unhealthy skills we developed start to affect our adult life in ways we don't like.  For example, eating to cope and becoming overweight. 

Becoming mentally healthy meant putting those skills under a microscope, deciding if I still needed them (I didn't) and then going through the process of finding healthier ways to handle challenges.

As an adult I have so many more tools and resources so those unhealthy skills and coping mechanisms can be left behind, packed up and lovingly shoved out to the open sea.  They did me a good service when I needed them, and I did need them, but can now be set free to make way for something new, something healthy.

It's a new world and it is a little scary.  Scary to let go of those things that got me through some very tough times.  But on the other side must be something more.  A world I can't even imagine.  And the best part is that I still have it to discover.  I get to discover who I am, what I like, what I love, what I dislike, and it's all about me.  It's not about anyone else in my life.  I am an adult, I get to decide. 

So that is what I will post here.