Why are evenings so hard?!?

My mind is out of control!  Just read a GREAT article about why and what to do to combat it:
http://shawntalbott.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/womens-health-stress-oct2013.pdf

To begin, I've got a brain dump.  Hopefully this will be a good start to clearing my mind.

I have been out of control with food.  So many things on my mind today.  Maybe brain dumping in and of itself will stop my craziness and allow me to get back on track with normal eating.

Last night I ate half a block of cheese in front of the TV.  I won't tell you how big the block of cheese was :)  I clearly need a plan of action for the evenings.

I am pumping post-baby and I want to take advantage of this time and I am starting to panic because I don't know how long I will be able to pump and I believe that losing weight will be nearly impossible if I am not pumping (true or not? I have no idea).

I am concerned about my ability to be a normal eater.  I feel very out of touch with my body and my hunger right now.  I feel afraid I am never going to get there.

I have a long list of To Dos and they are freaking me out!  I have both personal and professional lists and am feeling overwhelmed.

So here's my plan of action:

• Eat something.
• Pump on time. Let's keep this going! 
• Make my to do lists, get everything out of my head and on paper
• Prioritize my lists.
• Commit to completing at least one major and two minor things on each list.
• Do one fun thing after each task is complete (nothing that takes too long)
• Make a plan of action for success in the evenings

I have 10,000 things running through my  mind and I get all frenzied and then I eat eat eat!  And I think I become detached from everything I am trying to accomplish because it seems easier.

Today my mantra will be: "There is a lot to do but I have time and I will get it done."

Does anyone else get crazy like this?  How do you handle it?

Feelings After Binge

Karen Koenig posted on her blog about Mood and Unhealthy Foods and asked us to think about what emotions we feel after eating unhealthy foods. 

I made a list and this is what I came up with:

• manic
• relief
• insatiable (I want more, more, more)
• deserving of a treat

Not really what I expected to find out but, then again, I guess that's what these exercises are for.  Reading this list made me realize (again) that maybe my issue is anxiety rather than food.  If I can continue to work on keeping my anxiety level low and, when it gets high, find alternative ways to help myself rather than turning to a binge, I can begin to overcome this enormous road block.

What emotions do you feel after you binge?

Off and on

I am off and on with my life. I want to eat mindfully, I want to play the guitar, I want to start a business, I want to grow this blog...I could go on and on! 

I can't seem to follow through and am easily distracted by my next great idea. And what do I have to show for it? A bunch of great ideas that I am excited about but which never happen. 

This In turn makes me anxious which then makes me want to eat. 

What is up with this? Anyone else have the same issue?

Blood Sugar Tracker

Went to the doc yesterday and left my blood sugar tracking booklet there, they were going to make a copy and I forgot to wait for it!  I'm sure I will get it back but not for two weeks.  So I made my own, nerd that I am.  Here it is!



Blood Sugar Tracker

 Thought I would share in case anyone else out there might need it.  It's pretty simple and since I am just borderline, I am just tracking for my own knowledge and for my doc.  I am not counting carbs hard-core or taking any medication.

I am using the Walgreens brand TRUEtrack Blood Glucose Monitoring System which is cheap.  The lancets are also cheap but test strips are expensive, even with a script from the doc.

This surely gives me a new appreciation for anyone with diabetes.  It's a tough disease to figure out and so much of it is about your body and how it reponds.  It's almost trial and error.  I'll have to get tested once a year after babies because my chances of getting it later in life have increased.  Poo!

Patience...I thought I had it!

I have been feeling restrained lately.  I feel like there is something big for me on the horizon and I just want it to be here already.  I want to take in the world, be out there experiencing as much as I possible can and yet here I sit, behind my computer screen doing a job I am good at but am not feeling passionate about.

I desperately want to feel passionate about what I am doing.  If I am going to be away from my son all day, I should love what I do, shouldn't I?

Then I think, who am I to want that? Many many many many women have come before me and haven't been able to do something they love.  They do what they have to do to put food on the table and take care of their families.  Why would I be any different?  Am I special?  I don't know the answer to that question.  All I know is that I feel stifled.  Am I allowed to want more?

Then I think, you will get where you want to go, you just can't do it right now.  So take some steps in that direction.  Learn, experiment, see what works, see what doesn't, use it all as information so you can strike when the time is right.  But being patient is so very hard when I sit at my desk and want.

That brings me to reality.  Even if I get what I think I want, there will be things I miss about having a regular day job.  I will miss the security and the lack of mental investment needed.  I might miss the flexibility in my schedule and the professional interactions. 

Also, what I love doing isn't exactly clear in my head.  I have ideas, I have longings, but nothing solid I can hang my hat on. Nothing that I know will bring in the cash to replace my day job.

Oh the frustration.  At least I am getting it out there, letting the feeling see the light of day.  That helps.  I can't have everything today, and that's okay.  I CAN tolerate these feelings.  And I will go home and see my baby and play with him and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Checking in on feelings and food + numbers

I've been trying to check in with my feelings today, so far I've done it twice which I actually feel is a pretty big success!  Feeling a whole range of emotions today:

• Some sadness
• Contentedness
• Excitement
• Fear
• Nervousness
• Scattered

In reading one of Karen's blog posts today, I realized that when my emotions got overwhelming, my mom often didn't know how to handle that. Her own emotions are often overwhelming and she has to calm herself down. 

The only thing I ever remember her saying is that you should give yourself 15 minutes for a "pity party" and then move on.  But going through adolescence, I remember there were months when I couldn't "snap out of it" and she got very frustrated, not surprisingly.  But I had no idea what to do to change it. 

I also was encouraged by the concept that "the world is so much richer and more interesting with emotions."  It gives me a positive feeling about doing this work.

It will take me some time to remember to check in and that is obviously the first step.  In addition, I am going to go back through the Food and Feelings Workbook and reread it for new insight.

Here's a breakdown of my day:

 

Meal Type	Food	Time	BS
Wednesday Evening Snack	Cheese (not very late, only about 8:30p)	Fasting	98
Breakfast	Cheerios with milk	2 hours after bfast	90
Lunch	Enchiladas with sour cream	2 hours after lunch	106
Snack	Steel cut oats with splenda and half and half (not a fan of splenda for this meal)
Dinner
Snack

Food this week

I am finding myself digging around trying to figure out what I ate last time I was pregnant and what my blood sugar and weight numbers were so I am going to use this blog to give myself some historical reference on this front.  Here's a general list of what I've been eating...

Food this week:
Breakfast
Steel cut oats with half and half, brown sugar, banana chunks
Cheerios with Splenda or fruit
Eggs (fried, scrambled, omelet, poached) and toast with sausage (nitrate free!)

Snacks:
Apple with peanut butter
Orange with cheese
Popcorn (not the best)
Nuts
Special K cereal
Avocado with cottage cheese and chips (chips not the best)
Cheese (bedtime snack)

Lunch:
Pork enchiladas, homemade (brought a bunch so I could eat them every day)
Pork chop with applesauce

Dinner:
Enchiladas
Pizza (Palmero which is pretty low in carbs but still not the best) with salad
Feta stuffed chicken

Drinks:
Large iced coffee with sugar-free vanilla and half and half
La Croix water
Regular water
Milk