Living a full life

One of the more difficult (IMHO) parts of normal eating is building a life you love and that fulfills you.  This is so difficult because I don't know what it is that would fulfill me and it's a tough journey trying to figure it out.  It really shouldn't be that hard, or doesn't sound like it should be, but it is!  I find myself reading facebook and blogs and seeing how others are figuring this out and I get really frustrated because it appears they are doing so much to live a full life and I am doing nothing!

Just took five deep breaths and reminded myself that I am doing my very best.  I want so many things and feel like the job I am in really stops me from doing what I want.  It's really me that stops me I suppose.

Maybe what I need is a little dose of what my life is right now and what I AM doing...

• I am raising a beautiful little 18 month old boy
• I am growing a baby girl to be born in June 2013
• I have written about 50 pages of a screenplay
• I have a good job doing something I am good at
• I am attempting to write a blog
• I am working on normal eating and my own emotional growth and development
• I am reading a book
• I just completed and continue to work on sleep training a toddler
• I am helping my husband find a job in another city and contemplating a move

Here are some things I would like:

• Complete my screenplay before the baby is born
• Get my training certification before the baby is born
• Apply to grad school
• Take lots of pictures
• Continue to work on blogging
• Attend a blogging conference, maybe BlogHer??

I know this is something I constantly battle with, I have this idea in my head that everyone else is living the life that they dream of and I am not.  Is this true?  When something is no longer working, that is when you have to take some risks and try something new and I feel like I am not taking any risks.  And that is what creates excitement, right?  And it does!  It has been a long time since I tried for something.  Now that's a thought I will continue to ponder.

Spring Cleaning

It's been warm where I live and I've been having the urge to clean out the house.  I feel like I see clutter everywhere I look and I have such little storage space that there's not a space for everything.  Which  means I need to get rid of things that I don't use.  I am so excited to do this because I feel like a clean, uncluttered house is a way of taking care of myself and brings such calm to my mind and soul.

We started with the kitchen last weekend although we still have some to do there.  I also cleaned out a closet which badly needed cleaning.  I love opening that closet now!

This weekend I'll tackle cords and our linen rack and a bookshelf.  I'm getting rid of everything we don't use.  I know that I won't miss it once it's gone, it's just tough to make the initial decision to get rid of something.  I have this urge to say, someday I might want or need it, but in reality, I probably won't.  And for those days of clutter-free living, it will be well worth repurchasing a few things if and when I truly need them.

I didn't take any before and after pictures but I will remedy that this weekend.

Fear

I am sitting here frustrated with the state of things in my career but so afraid to take a step in any direction.  I want so many things, I have so many ideas, but I lack the confidence to believe that any one of them will work out.  I think it's because there are so many things about my life that haven't worked out.  I look back on the many decisions that I regret.

On the flip side there are so many that I don't regret! 

And yet, here I sit in fear.  It's a new place for me and I am not comfortable with it.  I just don't want to take a risk and waste a bunch of money that I didn't have. 

How do I get over the fear?  How do I move forward?  I don't want to keep going on like I have been...I WANT change.  But the fear grips me.  How do I feel the fear and do it anyway?

Feelings of deprivation

Whenever I tried to diet I would always end up feeling rebellious, feeling deprived, and it would make me angry!  I would then go off and eat whatever I wanted and however much I wanted to eat.  It was so frustrating and one of the things that drove me to look for normal eating. 

Recently someone posed the question, what is the feeling of deprivation really about?  I gave it some thought and will give it much more but what I have come to so far is that I don't want to be told what to do.  I was told what to do for many many years and not given the space to figure things out for myself.  Someone else always had the answer for me and would give it right away without allowing me the time to mull it over and come to my own conclusion.  And rather than speak up, I would just follow along.

It takes me time to think about what I want and need, sometimes a LONG time, and those that surrounded me didn't need that time...at least not for telling ME what to do.  I would get frustrated because I wanted to know myself, to take all the time I needed to figure out my wants, even something as simple as what I wanted to eat.

I know now that this type of reflection is what builds self trust and was always stolen from me, like a rug being pulled out from underneath me.  I WANTED to figure things out for myself but people around me wanted to always fix it for me or choose for me because they were faster and thought they knew what I wanted/needed.

And how could they?  I didn't even know.

So now I have this kneejerk reaction when someone or something tells me what to do, even a diet, and that is to get angry and rebel, do the opposite, rather than take the time to figure it out for myself, no matter how long it takes, and if someone tries to jump in and figure it out for me, to speak up!

This is a skill that I want to work on building, even in simple day-to-day encounters.  It's hard for me because my natural instinct is just to go along, not to speak up,  but it's in the speaking up that my confidence will build.  SO hard and yet so important.

Pregnancy and nausea

Well, the nausea has hit!  I have been feeling it constantly and I was kind of surprised by it because I did not have this with my first pregnancy.  As a result, I haven't felt much like writing, or doing much of anything, but I can't be out of commission until the nausea goes away, then you wouldn't hear from me until Christmas!

As far as how it's affecting my food, well, I am eating whatever doesn't make me sick to think about.  And that changes.  One minute popcorn sounds okay, the next minute not so much.  Sometimes candy or something with sugar, sometimes not.  Just taking it day by day, moment by moment.

Weirdly I have been wanting spinach salad and fruit and water.  All good stuff!  I also want bagels and rice and candy.  Doh!  I'll just be doing my best and riding this out.  Hopefully it leaves me long before the first trimester is over.

The good news is I've tested my sugar and so far so good.  Whew.  I will keep an eye on it and hopefully we stay low!

Big news - And what it means about my eating

It's a LITTLE early to share but I'm going for it anyay, I'm pregnant!  It's very exciting news, this is baby number two and most likely the last baby I will have.  It's weird to think I have one, even, so two really blows my mind.  There is a lot to think about now, a lot of planning to do.  It's a little overwhelming and scary but we'll just take it as it comes. 

What does this mean for my eating?  Well, a couple of things.  Eating a well-balanced diet is always important during pregnancy (or all the time really) but especially important because I ALMOST had gestational diabetes last pregnancy.  Now, I weigh less this time around so that might help but it's still something I have to keep my eye on.  And to be honest, it's a great way to eat generally so I'll do my best to follow the diabetic diet regardless. 

My last pregnancy went wonderfully.  I was exercising and eating well.  I didn't gain one pound and after the baby was born I was down 36 lbs.  I have gained most of that back and I am down about 15 lbs from the first time I got pregnant.  But I had the motivation of having borderline gestational diabetes. 

It was very scary and nervewracking because I didn't actually have gestational diabetes so I didn't get the benefit of the education they would have provided me so I had to figure it out on my own.  The doc's advice was "just have a sandwich with half the bread and no mayo".  Oh, so simple.  Yeah right.

So this means that I need to get back into testing my blood sugar, eating 5 small meals a day, eating the right amount of carbs, having a small protein snack right before I go to bed and limiting my sugar BIG TIME.

SO, how do I feel about making these changes in my diet?  Ugh.  That's about it.  I like the idea of it but it brings up the whole deprivation issue that drives the binge-diet cycle.  I like sugar, I don't like having to give it up.  I also don't like being told (even though it's my own body telling me) that I can't have something.  I will do some belief work on this and post later.  I'm sure I will have a lot to say about this over the next...7 months, 3 weeks and 3 days.

Motherhood - My Biggest Fear Around Food

Being someone who struggles with eating and food, I have a lot of fear around what I am teaching my little bean.  I haven't yet mastered the skills of normal eating and yet, I have to find a way to teach them to my son. 

 

These are the things I feel I do well:

 

• Introducing him to new foods as much as possible
• Not putting a value judgement on what he eats (or doesn't eat)
• Letting him try or not try whatever he wants
• Being unemotional about his food intake

 

Things I need to work on:

 

• I don't sit down with him as much as I want to and I am still working on preparing dinner early enough so we can all eat it together.
• Sometimes I do give him processed foods like chicken nuggets but I figure, I don't want to be the food police and he likes them so, why not?  Plus they are convenient!

 

But my biggest fear and the thing that I have the hardest time not doing is giving him food to soothe him or bribe him.  If he is upset, it's crazy how my first instinct is to grab a snack and put it in front of him!  I KNOW this totally goes back to my own issues and my own upbringing.  It's amazing how ingrained this is in me.  And since it is so ingrained, I do it without thought.  That is the scariest part. 

At the same time, the fear can sometimes lead me to eat!  Ah the cycle of emotion.  So two things to work on.  Mentioning it here will help me notice it when it happens so I can try another soothing technique.

The thing that's coming up for me now is realizing that by bribing or soothing him with food, I am teaching him to stuff down his emotions with food.  I can't tolerate his emotion, much the same way I can't tolerate my own, and I am then teaching him that the only way to cope is with food. 

Oh man.  That is heavy, no?

So what to do?  I want to:

• Learn to tolerate his emotion (it's okay, and even necessary for him to feel a  full range of emotions, it's totally normal and important for him to feel many things)
• Find ways besides food to help him cope with his emotion (singing a song, hugging him, mirroring his emotion, showing understanding)
• Realize that I don't need to stop him from having emotion, I can just let it ride until it passes, which it WILL
• Just be there with him, helping him feel

Wow, this has been eye-opening.  It's larger than just soothing or bribing him with food.  Definitely an area worth my time and effort.

What are your biggest fears about food and your family?