Off and on

I am off and on with my life. I want to eat mindfully, I want to play the guitar, I want to start a business, I want to grow this blog...I could go on and on! 

I can't seem to follow through and am easily distracted by my next great idea. And what do I have to show for it? A bunch of great ideas that I am excited about but which never happen. 

This In turn makes me anxious which then makes me want to eat. 

What is up with this? Anyone else have the same issue?

Blood Sugar Tracker

Went to the doc yesterday and left my blood sugar tracking booklet there, they were going to make a copy and I forgot to wait for it!  I'm sure I will get it back but not for two weeks.  So I made my own, nerd that I am.  Here it is!



Blood Sugar Tracker

 Thought I would share in case anyone else out there might need it.  It's pretty simple and since I am just borderline, I am just tracking for my own knowledge and for my doc.  I am not counting carbs hard-core or taking any medication.

I am using the Walgreens brand TRUEtrack Blood Glucose Monitoring System which is cheap.  The lancets are also cheap but test strips are expensive, even with a script from the doc.

This surely gives me a new appreciation for anyone with diabetes.  It's a tough disease to figure out and so much of it is about your body and how it reponds.  It's almost trial and error.  I'll have to get tested once a year after babies because my chances of getting it later in life have increased.  Poo!

Patience...I thought I had it!

I have been feeling restrained lately.  I feel like there is something big for me on the horizon and I just want it to be here already.  I want to take in the world, be out there experiencing as much as I possible can and yet here I sit, behind my computer screen doing a job I am good at but am not feeling passionate about.

I desperately want to feel passionate about what I am doing.  If I am going to be away from my son all day, I should love what I do, shouldn't I?

Then I think, who am I to want that? Many many many many women have come before me and haven't been able to do something they love.  They do what they have to do to put food on the table and take care of their families.  Why would I be any different?  Am I special?  I don't know the answer to that question.  All I know is that I feel stifled.  Am I allowed to want more?

Then I think, you will get where you want to go, you just can't do it right now.  So take some steps in that direction.  Learn, experiment, see what works, see what doesn't, use it all as information so you can strike when the time is right.  But being patient is so very hard when I sit at my desk and want.

That brings me to reality.  Even if I get what I think I want, there will be things I miss about having a regular day job.  I will miss the security and the lack of mental investment needed.  I might miss the flexibility in my schedule and the professional interactions. 

Also, what I love doing isn't exactly clear in my head.  I have ideas, I have longings, but nothing solid I can hang my hat on. Nothing that I know will bring in the cash to replace my day job.

Oh the frustration.  At least I am getting it out there, letting the feeling see the light of day.  That helps.  I can't have everything today, and that's okay.  I CAN tolerate these feelings.  And I will go home and see my baby and play with him and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

Checking in on feelings and food + numbers

I've been trying to check in with my feelings today, so far I've done it twice which I actually feel is a pretty big success!  Feeling a whole range of emotions today:

• Some sadness
• Contentedness
• Excitement
• Fear
• Nervousness
• Scattered

In reading one of Karen's blog posts today, I realized that when my emotions got overwhelming, my mom often didn't know how to handle that. Her own emotions are often overwhelming and she has to calm herself down. 

The only thing I ever remember her saying is that you should give yourself 15 minutes for a "pity party" and then move on.  But going through adolescence, I remember there were months when I couldn't "snap out of it" and she got very frustrated, not surprisingly.  But I had no idea what to do to change it. 

I also was encouraged by the concept that "the world is so much richer and more interesting with emotions."  It gives me a positive feeling about doing this work.

It will take me some time to remember to check in and that is obviously the first step.  In addition, I am going to go back through the Food and Feelings Workbook and reread it for new insight.

Here's a breakdown of my day:

 

Meal Type	Food	Time	BS
Wednesday Evening Snack	Cheese (not very late, only about 8:30p)	Fasting	98
Breakfast	Cheerios with milk	2 hours after bfast	90
Lunch	Enchiladas with sour cream	2 hours after lunch	106
Snack	Steel cut oats with splenda and half and half (not a fan of splenda for this meal)
Dinner
Snack

Food this week

I am finding myself digging around trying to figure out what I ate last time I was pregnant and what my blood sugar and weight numbers were so I am going to use this blog to give myself some historical reference on this front.  Here's a general list of what I've been eating...

Food this week:
Breakfast
Steel cut oats with half and half, brown sugar, banana chunks
Cheerios with Splenda or fruit
Eggs (fried, scrambled, omelet, poached) and toast with sausage (nitrate free!)

Snacks:
Apple with peanut butter
Orange with cheese
Popcorn (not the best)
Nuts
Special K cereal
Avocado with cottage cheese and chips (chips not the best)
Cheese (bedtime snack)

Lunch:
Pork enchiladas, homemade (brought a bunch so I could eat them every day)
Pork chop with applesauce

Dinner:
Enchiladas
Pizza (Palmero which is pretty low in carbs but still not the best) with salad
Feta stuffed chicken

Drinks:
Large iced coffee with sugar-free vanilla and half and half
La Croix water
Regular water
Milk

Wednesday Food and Numbers

Here's a breakdown of my day:

Meal Type	Food	Time	BS
Tuesday Evening Snack	Special K, Cheese	Fasting	105
Breakfast	Cheerios with milk and strawberries, sausage	2 hours after bfast	84
Snack	Steel cut oats with half and half, banana, brown sugar	2 hours after snack	107
Lunch	Enchiladas with sour cream	2 hours after lunch	89
Snack	Banana and cheese
Dinner	Stuffed chicken
Snack	Cheese

Feelings and true needs - My Challenge

Feeling My Feelings

When I was a kid I was overwhelmed with emotion and remember the exact day when I learned how to turn off my emotions.  It was a powerful skill to learn and served me well while I was growing up but I know in my heart that I won't be able to become a normal eater until I allow my feelings to flow more naturally. 

I have been resisting this piece of normal eating and I know it.  It's not that I don't let myself feel but I find it difficult to do consistently and I am afraid of being overwhelmed.  In my mind I know that feelings fade if I let them out and that all feelings are important and give me important information about me, but living that on a daily basis is really tough! 

I am also afraid that I won't be able to figure out how I'm feeling or that it will be too hard and I will give up.  I don't try for very long even when I do try.  I am frustrated with this and will need to do some belief work around this because I think it's a deeper issue.  Something like:

Irrational Belief: I can't make change in my own life.
Rational Belief: I can make change in my life.
Rational Belief: Change is hard but I can do it.
Rational Belief: I can change with practice.
Rational Belief: It might be hard to make changes at first but it will get easier with practice.
Rational Belief: Change takes time and patience.
Rational Belief: Change may be slow.

My True Needs

In addition to that, using my feelings to determine what I truly need is a struggle.  Then sharing my feelings and asking for or giving myself what I need once I figure it out is also hard.  I am afraid that my feelings and needs might be upsetting to someone around me is a major trigger for me.  I want to learn to handle those feelings as well and look them right in the face. 

I had an issue with this recently and didn't share something because I was afraid of the reaction.  Once I did share, the reaction was far more damaging than if I had been honest in the first place.  I want to remember this and practice being honest regardless of the reaction.  This is also an important piece of my recovery.

I really want to do this.  I am going to be single-minded and dogged about it. 

Goals

1. Tune into my feelings every single day, every hour if need be until it gets easier
2. Figure out what I truly need and ask for it or give it to myself
3. Be honest, share even when I am scared of the reaction
4. Be brave, learn that I can handle whatever comes my way

Tools to help me:

• Come up with a goal, key phrase or mantra I can post and look at constantly
• I want to learn my true needs with curiosity and compassion.
• I am worth the work.
• Helpful quote: "There is, I have learned, all the difference between the desire and the act.  The one is written on water, the other carved in stone." Lawrence Block
• Reminder alarms to cue me to check in with myself
• Set!  Three times a day (and also if I want to eat when I'm not hungry)
• Question(s) I can ask myself periodically to help me tune in
• Close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and ask:
• What am I feeling?
• What do I need?
• Is there any action I should take?
• Blog about it!