I have been feeling restrained lately. I feel like there is something big for me on the horizon and I just want it to be here already. I want to take in the world, be out there experiencing as much as I possible can and yet here I sit, behind my computer screen doing a job I am good at but am not feeling passionate about.
I desperately want to feel passionate about what I am doing. If I am going to be away from my son all day, I should love what I do, shouldn't I?
Then I think, who am I to want that? Many many many many women have come before me and haven't been able to do something they love. They do what they have to do to put food on the table and take care of their families. Why would I be any different? Am I special? I don't know the answer to that question. All I know is that I feel stifled. Am I allowed to want more?
Then I think, you will get where you want to go, you just can't do it right now. So take some steps in that direction. Learn, experiment, see what works, see what doesn't, use it all as information so you can strike when the time is right. But being patient is so very hard when I sit at my desk and want.
That brings me to reality. Even if I get what I think I want, there will be things I miss about having a regular day job. I will miss the security and the lack of mental investment needed. I might miss the flexibility in my schedule and the professional interactions.
Also, what I love doing isn't exactly clear in my head. I have ideas, I have longings, but nothing solid I can hang my hat on. Nothing that I know will bring in the cash to replace my day job.
Oh the frustration. At least I am getting it out there, letting the feeling see the light of day. That helps. I can't have everything today, and that's okay. I CAN tolerate these feelings. And I will go home and see my baby and play with him and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.