Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Feelings of deprivation

Whenever I tried to diet I would always end up feeling rebellious, feeling deprived, and it would make me angry!  I would then go off and eat whatever I wanted and however much I wanted to eat.  It was so frustrating and one of the things that drove me to look for normal eating. 

Recently someone posed the question, what is the feeling of deprivation really about?  I gave it some thought and will give it much more but what I have come to so far is that I don't want to be told what to do.  I was told what to do for many many years and not given the space to figure things out for myself.  Someone else always had the answer for me and would give it right away without allowing me the time to mull it over and come to my own conclusion.  And rather than speak up, I would just follow along.

It takes me time to think about what I want and need, sometimes a LONG time, and those that surrounded me didn't need that time...at least not for telling ME what to do.  I would get frustrated because I wanted to know myself, to take all the time I needed to figure out my wants, even something as simple as what I wanted to eat.

I know now that this type of reflection is what builds self trust and was always stolen from me, like a rug being pulled out from underneath me.  I WANTED to figure things out for myself but people around me wanted to always fix it for me or choose for me because they were faster and thought they knew what I wanted/needed.

And how could they?  I didn't even know.

So now I have this kneejerk reaction when someone or something tells me what to do, even a diet, and that is to get angry and rebel, do the opposite, rather than take the time to figure it out for myself, no matter how long it takes, and if someone tries to jump in and figure it out for me, to speak up!

This is a skill that I want to work on building, even in simple day-to-day encounters.  It's hard for me because my natural instinct is just to go along, not to speak up,  but it's in the speaking up that my confidence will build.  SO hard and yet so important.

No comments:

Post a Comment